POST — Relationships (female, early 30s): Dental Nurse: ADHD
I thought I was just bad at relationships. I’m 32, and for a long time I assumed relationships were just something I wasn’t very good at. It wasn’t that I didn’t care. If anything, I cared too much. I would overthink everything—messages, tone, whether I’d said the wrong thing. At the same time, I’d forget to reply for hours, sometimes days, even when I liked someone.
That combination was confusing for people. I could be intense and distant at the same time. I’ve had more than one partner say I was “hard to read”. I didn’t disagree. I found myself hard to understand too.What I didn’t realise was how much ADHD was shaping this. The inconsistency. The difficulty sustaining attention in conversations that didn’t immediately engage me. The emotional reactivity. The tendency to either hyperfocus on someone or feel completely disconnected.
It created a pattern. Strong starts, followed by confusion. Interest followed by withdrawal. Understanding this hasn’t solved everything. Relationships are still hard work. But it has made things clearer. I’m more direct now. I explain how I communicate. I don’t let partners assume that forgetting to reply means I don’t care. I really try so my behaviour is not interpreted that way. It hasn’t made relationships all that much easier for them but it has made them more honest for both parties.
voices
relationships
POST — Dating (male, 44): Finance: Autism
I have always cared deeply about people but I struggled to show that in ways that others understood. I would even come across as abrupt, according to others. This created distance that I didn’t know how to fix. My autism diagnosis has improved my relationships from before though. I am able to express myself so much better now. What's great is that my feelings are appreciated. My interactions are altogether on a different level because I understand myself better.
POST — Emotions (female, 32): Graphic Designer: AuDHD
I feel everything strongly, then suddenly I feel nothing at all. It’s confusing even for me. In relationships I can be very affectionate, then need complete silence - or sometimes, I would lash out with overwhelm, particularly if I felt criticised. I used to think that made me permanently difficult. My diagnosis explained two sides of me—the intense and the avoidant, so I let others know in advance what I'm like. The helps. Communication is key.
POST — Masking fatigue (female, 28): Corporate Lawyer: Autism
I learned early how to perform socially. It worked—I built a successful career.
But relationships felt like maintenance rather than ease. Everything was calculated.
Work required constant masking, which eventually led to burnout.
Diagnosis helped me understand the cost of that performance. Now I reduce masking where I can.
POST - AuDHD — Female, 18, Uni student (halls)
I met my boyfriend in the first week at uni and it was really full on, like we were always together.
Then I just crashed. I stayed in my room for like 3 days, barely spoke to anyone. Not sad, just couldn’t deal with people. He thought I’d gone off him. I hadn’t. I just felt completely overwhelmed. Also I overthink everything. If he takes ages to reply I assume I’ve annoyed him. I know it sounds dramatic but it feels real. Other people in halls seem fine being social all the time. I’m not.
POST- Autism — Male, 43, Mechanical Engineer
People expect you to read between the lines. I can’t do that. it's a bit like deaf people speaking to the blind - different languages. If someone wants reassurance but doesn’t say it, I just won’t pick up on it. I’ve had relationships where the other person thought I didn’t care, even when I have a lot. From my perspective, nothing is ever clearly communicated. People don't understand my intentions.
POST -ADHD — Male, 50s, IT Engineer (divorced)
I didn’t lose my marriage in one moment. It wore down slowly. I’d have conversations with my ex-wife that felt important at the time — I was listening, responding — but then I wouldn’t follow up. Not because I chose not to, but because it didn’t stay active in my mind.She’d say, “we talked about this,” and I’d vaguely remember but not enough to act on it. It built up this sense for her that she wasn’t being heard properly over time. I think neurotypical people carry emotional continuity. She left me in the end, even though I didn't want that for us.
POST- AuDHD — Male, 40s, Architect
I connect with people through humour and shared interests. If we like the same things — music, art, random niche stuff — I feel comfortable. Small talk is harder. It feels forced. Also humour really helps when things get overwhelming. It kind of cuts through it.